Happy

 He Won't Even Know Me! 

I belong to three Alzheimer's Caregiver Support Groups.  One of them is an on-line group.  One of the entries this week was written by a daughter who is caring for her father.  She was ranting over  disappointment with her father's old friends, who never come to visit him.  Others chimed in with anger toward family members, pastors, and friends who are ignoring their dementia-suffering loved one.   

Wow, I thought.  These comments could have been directed at me, before my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  Was I good at visiting old friends, relatives, and neighbors who had Alzheimer's or   other illnesses?  Not really.  Why?

Here are a few reasons why perhaps we don't visit:

*  We are busy.  Yes, people are busy. We are busy with work, family, community, church and other important responsibilities.  

*  We want to remember the person as they were, and not as who they are now.  We can't bear to see  our loved-one doesn't remember the past and, most likely, doesn't remember who we are.  

*  We don't know if it's worth our time, since our loved one may not recognize us and won't even remember we visited five minutes after we leave.  

*  We are afraid.  We don't know what to say or how to act around a person with this disease.  We don't know if we will be recognized.  We don't know if our friend or loved one will say inappropriate or embarrassing things.  We don't know what to expect.

Now that I am on the other side, I realize it is my responsibility to help friends and loved ones feel comfortable visiting my husband.  

*  I need to tell them I know they are busy, but that they are welcome to drop by, even if is just for 5 minutes.

* I need to tell them that, even though my husband may not remember who they are, he will feel of their love and interest in him.  He probably won't remember they came after they leave, but he will experience great joy in the moments they are there visiting him. 

*  I need to tell them what to expect when they visit him.  Right now, where my husband is in the progression of this disease, it is important for family and friends to know that it is not a good idea to ask him questions.  He most likely won't know the answers.  He remembers very little about his past, which includes 5 minutes ago and 50 years ago.

So, if you can't ask him questions, what can you talk to him about?   You can tell him stories of things you did with him in the past.  You can tell him about your family or interesting things you are doing in your life.  You could tell him a funny story or a funny joke to make him laugh.  I love hearing him laugh.  My two main goals as a caregiver is to keep him safe and TO KEEP HIM HAPPY.  

*  I will try to keep family and friends updated, because there are constant changes they need to be aware of.  If I forget to give updates or instructions, I wouldn't mind at all if I were asked.

Thank you for your care and concern for us, and for reading my blog.